6/10/2020 2 Comments Tomorrow Will Worry About ItselfDear Elizabeth, We regret to inform you… I don’t remember what the rest said because my eyes were already full of tears. It didn’t feel real that a dream of mine I’d had for seven years was officially put on the back-burner. It didn’t feel fair that after the countless all-nighters, walking into lecture with dry shampoo in my hair and not enough coffee in my hand, I was told I wasn’t enough. Reading the statement above made me realize how much of my value I’d poured into walking across the oval in the infamous red scrubs. Rejection feels a lot like heartbreak. To be honest I’ve lived a very blessed life considering that most things I’ve worked hard for, I’ve eventually achieved up until this point. I naively figured, “well if don’t get into nursing after my freshman year, maybe that just means I need to work harder and I’ll get it next time!” Before this week it was always so easy to believe I’m fine because I had the anticipation of pending successes distracting me from the failures of my past. It was always so easy to believe that I was worthy, and to outwardly admit that I was bought at a price because I’ve had the safety net of my worldly desires to hold me up above the grace of God. Now I’m sitting here, enrolled in a major that I never would’ve imagined being in 12 months ago, having uncertainty about where my future lies with competing as an athlete, isolated from my own teammates because of COVID-19 and experiencing a lack of control I’ve never encountered before. If you know me well, you know I regularly am the driver when we carpool places, I prefer to clean up after activities because I can make it the way I want it, I enjoy hosting gatherings because it means I can control the setting, among other things: In middle school I cried if I wasn’t leaving the house to be exactly 15 minutes early to soccer practice. In the eighth grade I almost missed a cross country meet because I couldn’t find my lucky socks to race in. I took every single AP exam and college final with the exact pink, #2 mechanical pencil because I was convinced I wouldn’t perform well otherwise. Arguably the hardest part about my hip surgery? Not being able to tie my own shoes for a week. If my family is watching a movie, I prefer to hold the remote—similarly when I'm controlling the music in the car. It has been engrained in me my whole life to seek control of every situation possible. So what happens now when I finally surrender that control? Having this lack of control allows the safety net of my self-worth to finally release me to God’s grace. It allows me to truly hand Him the reigns—something I admittedly have never done before. I can’t think of a single day since the sixth grade I haven’t had an answer to what I want to be when I grow up. I can’t remember the last time I took an entire semester of school without a single science class on my schedule. I never in my life had gone this long without running. But it feels so freeing to know I don’t need to know "why" or "how". Isn’t it comforting in this period of uncertainty for the entire nation that we serve an all-knowing God? In Matthew 6:33-34, Jesus tells us to seek God above all things; when our priority is God, the rest will work out how it is planned by His will, not ours. “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Seek first His kingdom, His righteousness… not our own! When we chase after self-righteousness it can be paralyzing when we inevitably fail. When we focus on His love and mercy we are free, and I will be eternally grateful for that gift!
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6/15/2019 4 Comments Year One- Trials and MilesI got my first “W” on my transcript this spring from a stress management course. Honestly that sentence is probably the best way to summarize the last nine months of my life, but I’m going to give you a few more for good measure. You know when you’re playing monopoly and you have to roll doubles to get out of jail? For a long time I felt like that was symbolic of this year, only I had to keep rolling. No bail. No get-out-of-jail-free card.
I walked onto campus last fall with a completely inaccurate depiction of what college looks like. My expectation was to compete in three healthy seasons and carry over a perfect GPA from highschool, all while submitting a competitive application to Nursing School. These goals I set for myself became engraved in my identity. Racing in college proved to be wildly different from high school. The gun goes off and you have state champions on either side, casually bringing the first 1k out faster than your mile PR. I convinced myself that I figured it all out, but a couple MRIs showed that God had other plans for me. So I decided to dedicate my energy to school. I specifically remember one night that I, stupidly, crammed for a Human Physiology midterm well past four in the morning. Each time my eyes started to droop, I would repeat to myself, “it will all be worth it when you get that acceptance letter.” One night turned into more nights than I can count. I no longer felt purposeful, and I often questioned why I kept trying. I remember driving to class with a trooper and dear friend of mine, Gabby Dilick, and breaking down just a couple days before my birthday. We’d just taken a lab practical in Anatomy which I was positive I’d bombed. If you’re curious, just know I filled in the word “butt” for a muscle group I couldn’t recall the name of (I'm so mature). I think that week was the first time I realized that something wasn’t right. The problem with assuming your life is a giant game of monopoly, where you’re stuck in jail, is that you neglect any positive aspect of your life. You’ll end up only living each day partially. If this blog was about the cruddy things I went through this year, I would probably choose a format closer to a bulleted list. It would be easier and more efficient for all of us. But I truly got more out of this year than just a couple bumps and disappointing grades. I witnessed my teammates and best friends become indoor and outdoor Big Ten Champions. I even got to see a Buckeye cross the line as a NATIONAL CHAMP in the mile (shoutout Julia Rizk). Back in August, I walked into Smith-Steeb with some strangers and walked out in May with my best friends. I know that’s cheesy, but these people are one hundred percent the reason I got through this year in one piece. I also discovered my passion for the human physiology, so much so that I’m eager to take it a second time this fall… or maybe I was just two percent off of the grade I needed for nursing school;) But I’m still so excited to take on my second year, confident with where I’m going in my career. I’ve learned this year that God calls on us to look at everything with a purpose, even if the situation seems like the very worst. He tells us it’s okay to break down sometimes, it’s okay to be vulnerable with people, it’s okay to feel like a failure at times. These lines from Maybe IDK by Jon Belion sum it up perfectly: I guess if I never fell, I guess I wouldn't need grace I guess if I knew His plans, I guess He wouldn't be God James 1: 2-3 says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance…” I’ll never be able to comprehend His hand in my life story, but I’m thankful for how much room He has given me to grow in each trial. 10/15/2018 0 Comments The Thing About ChangeSo it's been a while since I've written on here. Evidently, these last few months have been nothing short of busy. Sometimes I think that's when I do my most spiritual growth. I also experience the most change when I'm busy; it's like everything is moving at a fast pace while everyone and everything around me is moving even faster. It's hard to control. It's especially hard to find sanity in. I recently read a quote about change. About how it is continuous- it never stops to give us a break. It also requires our patience to occur. "Change is a continuous process. You cannot assess it with a yardstick of a limited time frame. When a seed is sown into the ground, you cannot immediately see the plant. You have to be patient. With time, it grows into a large tree. And then the flowers bloom, and only then can the fruits be plucked." A couple things really struck me when I read this. I've always believed change to be a continuous state, but I always imagine getting to a point when it stops. I contradict my own belief to what is the only true character of change: it is continuous. Why do I attempt to get through my everyday life telling myself a lie? I think we find comfort in constants. There are so many aspects of our society that encompass our psychological need to have constants. Most people go home to the same people, the same kind of food, and sleep in the same bed. Most people have a similar routine that they follow every day. So many people use their cellphone as a crutch simply because it's there in an awkward situation. I have caught myself doing this way too much lately. Most of all, I have gotten complacent with having what many consider "having it together". I would say from a worldly view, most people would say I "have it together". My grades are steady. I'm at a prestigious university for my major. I'm competing at a Division I level. All the cards are in place, right? What if I told you I didn't? From the outside, I am happy and I'm living it up. But I'm telling you that these last few months have been incredibly joyful, emotional, terrible, fun, overwhelming and very literally life-changing all in one package. I said goodbye to my best friends this summer while we all went our separate ways. I spent the first two months of school adjusting to 6:00am practices and fifty mile weeks only to find out I have a femoral stress fracture that takes me out until indoor season. For some reason, I don't do well with change, and I find myself crying a lot to my mom over the phone. Change is not an easy thing. I will be the first one to tell you that. And the Devil wants us to believe that this gutting feeling of not belonging, not being able to make it work, and failure is a glimpse of eternity. But that gutting feeling is a lie. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came so that they may have life and have it abundantly." The truth is we serve a God who is the only constant thing about our life. I think I forgot about that amidst all of the change that was present in my world these last few months. He never will take away his promise of full life just for getting a B on your Chem test. (Which... time out... is NOT even that bad of a grade!) But guys, we forget this truth all too much. I, for one, have been so caught up in the world of athletics and nursing that I've sat the Lord aside. The only way to feel like your life is constant, is to literally make God your life. Make Him the backbone of all aspects you're involved in. When those things fail, God will prevail. I learn the most truth about Jesus when I block out some of the noise in my crazy, hectic, changing life. Yes, getting this fracture is a big bummer, and school has been a struggle for me, but to hold onto the only constant aspect of my life... that is where I'm going to find joy and truth. "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." Like a jar of clay, our lives can be molded, cracked, even shattered. God gives us the ability to reform, never permanently losing our identity or composition. He gave us this ability because we, too can be disciples for Christ. He's allowing us to become christ-like as a vessel to spread the Holy Spirit. To me, that absolutely blows my mind that he can use the very thing Satan tries to use against us, for the good of the people. I'd say change is a darn good thing.
Take a moment and think back to a time that you were disappointed by something not turning out how you planned. Now take a moment and picture what God our Father has to say about those situations. Recently, I was given the opportunity to race at one of the most recognized meets in indoor track for Ohio: The Spire Scholastic Showcase. You can imagine all of the elements that got to my head throughout this process. I went into last weekend with an outlook on what my race would look like, how I would finish, even what my time would be. The problem is, we aren't truly living a life of Christ when we break our life out into chronological steps. If you're a Buckeye Fan like myself, think of it in these terms. Urban Meyer doesn't step out onto the field and say "JT Barrett is going to step on the field, play a somewhat decent game against TTUN, hurt his meniscus, then have redemption after one week of intense physical therapy." Meanwhile, Haskins got his time to shine and we ended up winning preceding a Big Ten Championship! But if you go back and look at the press conference interviews, Urban never once was like, "Oh yeah we totally saw this coming, we actually intentionally hurt JT the day before at practice so there'd be more build up to Wisconson's game" ... like what?!?! That would make absolutely NO SENSE! And I honestly picture God sitting and watching us plan our life into little increments, and probably giggling a bit, because as ridiculous as the JT story sounds, we can make ourselves sound just as ridiculous. But get this, we are loved by a creator who gently reminds us day in and day out what our Greater Plan is. As I sit here in Perimeter's favorite staple, Starbucks Coffee, I have the incredible Grace my Father has for me on my mind. This past weekend, I pictured myself crossing the line, big smile across my face, new PR at the tip of my spikes- which is totally ironic considering the face I typically make after 16 laps of limbo. But as I laced back up my trainers, reattached my GPS watch to my wrist, and took the first few steps after the storm, God patted me on the back, and probably was thinking something like "Good Job Ellie! I want you to know I am so proud of you, and that even though your race didn't turn out as planned, remember the plans I have for you to prosper." If you consider yourself a planner like myself, it is one of the hardest things to lose the thing we value most: control. I challenge you this week to wake up with an open mind, whatever plans may be enslaving you. Try talking to God, he's always there to listen to what's on your mind. One of my favorite things to do is memorize verses; the one below is a good summary of what I've been discussing, and I personally think it is a good one to tape to a mirror in your house, or the dash board in your car. If there's one thing you can take out of this blog post, it's to read this verse, with the incredible Grace of God Our Father on your mind. "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith..." That's right, it literally says God is the "PIONEER AND PERFECTER OF OUR FAITH"... WOW!!! And to take it one step further, pioneers are typically known for being the first to find or discover something. Even my controlled nature can't fight a creator of the universe who also is a freaking pioneer.
12/28/2017 0 Comments A Gift Called SpontaneityAs I'm confident that many of you all can relate, I wanted to take some time from this wild ride of Christmas Break to talk about the beauty of spontaneity. Having four highly opinionated, and confident women in my house over the course of break has been nothing short of thought-provoking; we've shared our laughs, heated discussion, and memories for the last nine days now, and it's absolutely wonderful. Of course it's bad if we were to constantly argue, but I think it's healthy to have intentional discussions. With the conversations I've made with my sisters over break, I feel like I have become more open-minded.
That feeling of new ideas and new experiences is something Jesus encourages us to have. Take the story of Martha and Mary: women were always taught to be in the kitchen. Imagine the moment when Jesus changed the status quo. When asked why Mary wasn't getting in trouble for sitting and "wasting" time, Jesus replied "... you are anxious and troubled about many things... Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her" (Luke 10:41-42). Isn't this all too true? We sit, full of anxiety, constantly wondering if what we're doing is worth the time. Constantly worrying if it will satisfy the expectations of society. We fail to remember the grace that The Lord has provided us. Jesus wasn't just chilling out in the sisters' house for nothing. I imagine when he ran into them that day, he thought "Man, I would love to just spend some time with these two. No strings attached. Just some good conversation". It truly is reassuring to praise a father who loves us unconditionally, and will sit and talk with you, no matter how long it takes to cook dinner, or how many dishes are stacked up in the sink (Luke 10 reference). As I sit and talk about this, I get to be reminded of the grace God has shown in my life over these last few days. When we have fellowship, and good conversations, Christ has a mile-wide smile across his face. We weren't intended to live a certain lifestyle or do certain activities based off of the expectations of society. We were intended to live a life without the yolk of outside pressures. To me, that's what this season, and really the rest of our lives, should be about: the quality time you spend, without "trying to make it quality". So let's let the dishes stack up in the sink if we are having intentional conversations with our loved ones. Let's sit in the family room and share pictures from last semester instead of going out. Isn't that how God intended us to live? Here's to being spontaneous and living the good life! |
AuthorThe Ohio State T&F//Cross Country Archives
June 2020
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